Mental Health Relapse

I don’t think we are ever prepared, for the road our journeys seem to take us on. Another decade has passed and I am not sure how I feel about my life, these past ten years.

When I think about who I was, at the beginning of the decade, I realize I am completely different at the end of it. In the beginning, I saw someone who had no idea what they wanted in life, constantly in a state of confusion and didn’t believe they would ever find who they were meant to be.

I also struggled heavily within my mental illness. So much so, I wouldn’t believe I would be writing today about my life. I wouldn’t even be here to share my story with everyone. I spent a life full of not understanding my existence in this world. I didn’t understand, when I had nothing to offer, what my purpose to exist was.

Fast forward to ten years later and everything, yet still very complicated, makes sense. Over the decade, I more than figured out who I am supposed to be. One thing I have always been sure about, is my ability to help people and potentially, change their lives. I have always known my career would be to help people but I had no idea how.

Throughout this decade, I figured out my sexuality, came to terms with my mental illness, started to go to therapy, started to write more often, started to throw myself into activities I love and finally, had the courage to be honest with myself about who I am.

I started writing blogs about mental health issues but I could tell I wasn’t truly being myself. I have always learned my best advice and anything worth retaining, by listening to people with honest hearts and open minds. So, I wanted to be one of those people.

I didn’t make a lot of people happy, when I decided to air my dirty laundry for everyone to see. I always do my best not to publicly talk about anyone but in order to share my story, some characters have to be mentioned. I can’t be honest if I hold back.

After a while of writing, I started to feel my passion go away. Why couldn’t I do what I love? And the answer was simple. I wasn’t being 100% myself. I was holding back and the passion behind the words, wasn’t there. I was trying to make everyone happy, instead of focusing on me. So, I started being completely raw and honest, in my writings. You know what happened? I started receiving comments about how my words were inspiring people to come out or to go to a treatment center to get help. I was hearing stories about someone’s mental health journey or how I helped someone come to terms with who they were.

Then I got this feeling of, “Wow. This is it. This feeling is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. I want to feel this for the rest of my life.” I found it. The feeling you get when you know this is something you need to do.

I had this feeling one other time, when I found someone who I knew I needed in my life. She changed me and the way I think about everything. At first, I fought it and then once I let her in, I felt this feeling again. This feeling helped me understand many things can bring us happiness and there are so many things in the world, waiting to be discovered. We just have to be willing to jump and go after whatever our dreams consist of.

But I too, can hide behind my writings. If you ever truly read my blogs, I am honest and you don’t always see this perfect, put together person. I have been struggling with my anxiety and depression, the past couple of weeks. Life changes are amazing but they can also be terrifying.

I have been going through some nice changes and some bad. When it comes to the bad ones, let’s just say, I don’t always know how to handle it. Did you ever struggle with a change that was breaking your heart? You are trying to keep it together, trying to focus and go about your day but this situation you are in, makes it hard to do so, successfully?

I happened to get a new job, during my current situation. Which for distraction purposes, was a good thing. However, I wasn’t dealing with my emotions. I was going to work all day and being distracted but when I would come home, I would do everything in my power not to feel. I would watch show after show. YouTube video after YouTube video. Listen to podcasts, clean the house and only listen to certain songs.

I was coming home from work and this song came on. I was distracted enough not to realize, it was on the avoid list the past couple of weeks. I started to feel my eyes well up with tears. I snapped out of my trance and immediately, turned it off. See, I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well over the years and I know when a breakdown is coming. And let’s just say, I could feel it.

The problem was, I wasn’t dealing with any of my emotions. So, for weeks I was building up this pain and refusing to let it out. I stopped playing music (which if you know anything about me, music is my life), I stopped talking to everyone, I threw myself into work, I pulled away from everything I loved to do and in return, I created anxiety.

So, guess who struggled with sleeping at night? Why, because sleeping was the only place, I could let out my emotions. I can’t control or temporarily stop my dreams or anxiety, while I sleep. So, therefore I was forced to deal with it every night. The way I was dealing with my issues is by no means healthy but at the time, I was starting a new job and I knew it wasn’t a good time to have a mental breakdown (no time ever is).

The truth is, I wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions I knew would come with being open and honest with myself. In return, I continued to completely shut everything out. But this is something that happens to a lot of people, whether you struggle with mental health issues or not.

People who struggle with mental health, have come to terms with the back and forth routine of their disorders. Although we can get it under control, we will always struggle with mental illness. Speaking for myself, I know I act a certain way and sometimes, I honestly can’t control it.

I was fighting with a friend of mine, over text message. I thought I said something different then I did and I ended up saying something, that wasn’t very nice. But in my head, I honestly believed I said something completely different.

Mental health affects everyone differently. I know when I struggle, I push everyone away. I don’t want to socialize; I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. During these times, it takes so much energy for me just to get up in the morning and make it through a full work day. Let alone, trying to have a social life and pretend I’m fine.

To people who have loved ones who struggle with mental illness, understand we do care but sometimes we don’t have the energy to get through the day. Sometimes our actions aren’t matching our feelings. I am not making an excuse but sometimes it’s a lot harder than we make it seem. Making myself look together, is my specialty because I don’t always show it and I find a way to joke about it.

I’ve learned in times like these, I need to focus on things that make me happy. Currently, it’s winter and I haven’t been outside in nature and haven’t seen the sun in weeks. This past weekend, the sun was out, at 60 degrees and I could already feel a difference in my attitude. It also made me think, maybe I need to move somewhere it’s warmer for most of the year, like South Carolina or Arizona. Sometimes, we need to change the current situation we are in and find ways to positively change our lives.

Everyone struggles in life but we have to find what makes us happy. Whether it be a person, career, place, etc. Go after that dream job, go fall in love with your soulmate, start writing that book, pick up that new activity. Find something in this life worth going after and go after it, with courage and faith. Life is hard enough as it is. Why not make it easier and be happy with choices that positively affect us?