Dancing With The Devil

Anyone who knows me, knows I have been a fan of Demi Lovato, for years. Demi recently released a documentary about her overdose, in a very raw, honest 4 parts. After watching the first video, I felt several different emotions. Some moments, brought me back to that little girl at 4 years old, reliving somethings I have been through with mental health. Other parts, made me smile because I realized how far I have come, from that little girl. 

I have struggled with mental health issues, since I was 4 years old. I couldn’t remember a memory, without remembering something negative. For years, I would slowly see myself, turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. I was someone who cared way too much about what other people thought, I was trying to figure out my sexuality and trying to figure out who the hell I was. 

I became emotional, during the documentary because I saw myself in Demi. Although different stories, similar struggles were found. I kept thinking, “that could have been me. I could have been in the hospital or worse, I could have died.” 

Unfortunately, at one point in my life, I didn’t care if I lived or died. I look back at some of the blogs I’ve written or poems and I see how much pain I was in. I am in the process of looking through my old poems and revising them, for my next poetry book. Looking back, I can’t even believe some of the things I wrote, let alone felt. 

I remember going to a medium, two years ago and she told me she saw me, “behind a closed door and all this inspiration and greatness is just ready to bust out and be shared with the world. You have been to some of the darkest places, within your mind but you aren’t there anymore.” It is strange placing myself into that mindset again because I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Even watching the documentary, my body could remember feeling out of place but it wasn’t taking me physically, to the pain I felt back then. 

I could feel how much I have changed, within the past year. I’ve started loving myself, as if I was the only person on this earth. I started taking responsibility for my actions and how they affect myself and others. I removed people and myself, from situations that no longer suit the lifestyle I would like to be living. I am attempting to take control of my life and live my most authentic self. 

Demi cut her hair off in the documentary and she explains wanting to do, so for many reasons I also resonated with. She said, she hid behind her hair by being able to cover her body. In cutting her hair, it was an act of letting go and starting over. I have wanted to cut my hair off for years, after hearing stories about how liberating and freeing it is. I loved the idea of just gaining a fresh start and doing something, that terrifies me. One day, I hope to find the courage to do so. 

When I look back on my life, I am reminded of how many times I didn’t want to be here anymore. Some years, were harder than others but I never felt so wasted away, as I did in June 2018. I was laying on my bed and I felt lifeless. I was deep into my depression and I remember thinking, “If I had the energy to move right now, I wouldn’t not be alive in the next couple of seconds.” But I couldn’t move, I was so drained from my energy, due to my depression. I couldn’t even move my hand, a couple of inches, to call my mom and ask her to come sit with me. 

A month later, Demi had her overdose. I was going to see her, in New Jersey, the next day. My friend and I went parasailing, since the concert was cancelled and I remember hearing her song “Sober” on the radio. The two girls next to me, started singing, since they also came for the concert. I remember looking out into the water and wanting to burst into tears. Not knowing if Demi was going to live or die, felt like a piece of me was disappearing. 

I’m not holding Demi responsible for if I lived or died but through her music and bringing awareness to mental health, I was finding the strength to begin healing. I was able to slowly become more open and honest about my inner demons and finding the courage to not hide behind them. I started writing these blogs and releasing my insecurities. With each blog, I started feeling less ashamed of who I was and started embracing her with open arms.

I started receiving messages from strangers, telling me they have (gotten help, came out to their parents, went to a treatment center, started accepting who they are, started loving themselves more, had more courage to tell their loved ones they were gay, etc) because of my blogs. I was sharing parts of my recovery and inspiring people, along the way because Demi helped me find my inner strength. 

I didn’t look to Demi as a role model because I thought she was perfect. I was inspired by her passion with everything she does, the courage she had opening up about her issues and the love she had for wanting to help others. I know how hard it was for me, to admit I had insecurities or my sexuality to myself. I knew the moment she opened up, even a small piece of her struggles to the world, I wanted to do the same. 

I saw someone who was encouraging others to get help, regardless of the war going on in her life. She was helping people love themselves and find the strength to do the same. I struggled for years and lied about it. I continued to pretend I was fine, while I encouraged others to be who they were and love themselves. 

Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe, but I never wanted others to experience the things I was going through. If I had left this world, when I was younger, the one thing I would have never regretted, was knowing I helped people love themselves a little more. It also wasn’t my time to recover. I wasn’t ready to let go and move on. I was comfortable in my sickness and I had to be ready to work hard and get the professional help, I needed to be where I am today. 

It was terrifying to think of a world, where Demi didn’t exist. I thought, how could I be so affected by someone I don’t even know. Then I realized, Demi has been a big part of my recovery and without her openness and honesty in acknowledging her mental health, I might not be alive today. She is one of the reasons, I am able to breathe every morning. She continues to inspire others to seek help and work towards a journey, that is not easy to take and will be filled with setbacks and relapses. I aspire to have even more of the courage, she has already helped me achieve, one day. 

Everyone has a journey to take in life. It is important to allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from your failures. Be gentle with yourself and learn to love every piece, you are made up of. Be patient with yourself; recovery, self-love and self-discovery take time. You are placed where you need to be, at this time, in your life; have faith in that notion. Learn from the lessons and grow from the experience. Allow your weaknesses, to inspire change. You have the strength inside of you, to discover it all. 

I believe in you.