New Year's Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions.

Goals I continue to make every year, yet go uncompleted every year. Writing down the things I would like to accomplish or change about the year before, in hopes of creating a better life.

I started off 2017 strong and for most of the year, I felt as though, I finally did something right. I came out and figured out a big part of who I am. In doing so, I became more comfortable within myself. I made new friends who have helped shape me. I went on adventures and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I started going to therapy and getting help for my problems. I became more open and started to be vulnerable. I worked on the little things that bothered me and started to accept them, as part of who I am. I allowed myself to fall for people and feel real emotions. I discovered how strong I truly am. I stood up for things I believed in. I learned how to wake up every morning and not let depression take over the rest of my day.

Along with the good, the last few months, I discovered a lot of bad. I let my old habits creep back in. I pushed people away from me. Everyone I love, I find a reason to keep them close but far enough not to hurt me. As if keeping them at a safe distance, to prevent a falling out. I stopped caring about everything. I stopped caring about what everyone needed, including myself. I didn’t want to help anyone and I didn’t care if they needed me. I’ve become so numb, when I heard about someone I love being in the hospital for the second time, I didn’t even flinch. I didn’t get upset or cry, I just felt numb. I felt no matter how bad life was getting, I didn’t care anymore because I couldn’t feel anymore.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I write my Christmas cards and send them out December 1st. This is the first year I wrote, maybe 6 cards out, two days before Christmas. I just felt I had no love left to give. The loving, caring person I know I am, was gone.

I know who I am. I am someone who has spent their life, trying to help anyone in need. I know I am a good person and how much I care about people. I know how I don’t deserve to be treated. I know the person I am right now, is not me. I’ve let my issues control me again and change me into someone I am not. The fact I can realize that, says a lot about how much I have changed since my last round of recovery.

I worked hard to change and in times of a challenge, I learned how much I actually did. This next year, I want to change. I am setting goals I hope will be accomplished this time. This year, I want to learn to accept who I am and find peace within this discovery. I want to stop caring about what everyone thinks and ignore opinions, that don’t support who I am. I want to ask for help when I need it, instead of trying to fix everything by myself.

My problems entered my life again but I am strong enough to fight this battle. I learned failure is okay and helps you grow. We have to try and go after what we want in life. Sitting back and watching everything crumble around us, hoping to stay afloat, is no way to live. We have to fight for the life we want and in 2018, that’s exactly what I am going to do.