Discovering Strength

I used to be really scared, of the world around me. Not to say my fear has suddenly disappeared but I am learning to fight through it and keep moving forward. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life, too afraid to let go and move on. I don’t want to continue wasting years, trying to perfect my life and the choices I have made. I don’t want to let fear stop me, from discovering every piece of who I am and waiting for the perfect time, to finally let that person exist.

When I start to panic or become anxious over something, I stop and ask myself, “Why? What is the worst thing that can happen?” And then, I think of the worst thing. I think about what would change and what happens, if said change occurs? Will I live? Will I be okay?

Yes, the answer is yes. I have been to the darkest places of my mind, over the course of my lifetime. I have questioned my existence and experienced a million heartbreaks, over the things and people I’ve lost; we all have. I have also found the strength inside myself to stay, come back and fight even harder, every time.

When I walk myself through the possibilities of what may happen if I take a certain path, it doesn’t seem as scary or at the very least, I am prepared for whatever happens. Every time I survive another challenge in my life, I learn how strong I truly am. We have all had those days, when we feel completely shattered into a million pieces, begging someone to come and take the pain away because it seems impossible to ever bounce back from this.

But somehow, we do. We get up, wipe away the tears and move on. It might take days, weeks, months or even a couple of years but we do it. Resilience is a beautiful thing to discover within oneself. A testament to how strong someone is inside, no matter how badly beaten down their exterior becomes.

I had two very important people in my life, over the past couple of years. I discovered in therapy, they both represented two big holes, that existed in my life. There are wants and needs, we all yearn for. Missing pieces in our life, we can’t seem to find. So, in return, we seek them in others. This is where expectations and disappointment, play a role. I was seeking certain needs from each person and when my needs weren’t being met, our foundation would fall apart.

Instead of seeking those needs within others, I should have been asking them of myself. When you work on yourself, you start to value who you are as a person. You don’t take into account, what the rest of the world believes you should be but what you believe you want to be. When you start becoming the authentic version of who you are, the right people and opportunities will become present. You will no longer need to seek approval or acceptance because you will have found it within yourself.

I have allowed others to define me, for as long as I can remember, not just through words but within people. I have placed my identity, onto everything and everyone except myself. I was playing the victim, more than I would like to admit and doing way too much complaining. The life I have been given, is just that. I am now grown and I have the choice, to stop defining myself as the girl who is broken because I am not that girl anymore.

In practicing self-love, the past couple of months, I learned many things. I learned to follow my heart and my gut. Right now, I feel, I need to be alone. I have worked really hard, the past 10 months, to put myself back together, mentally and emotionally. Now, I am ready to move forward and continue to work toward being the person I see myself. In order for me to do so, I must continue to do so, on my own.

I needed to remove the factors in my life, I was questioning and leaving me feeling, confused and powerless. I needed to figure out what I wanted, without them influencing my decisions and what was important to me, for me. We have so much strength in our words and actions, most importantly, within ourselves. And although this journey is an everyday one, we will continue to grow into the people we are meant to be. So, although I am still scared, I have found strength in myself, to know I will be okay; we all will.